As promised, I've revised my query letter and have decided to post it here again for your lovely comments. Thanks again for everyone who commented last time - let me know if you think I've got it yet.
I'll skip out the boring parts and get right to the good stuff:
Dear Super Agent,
Every Beauty Secret representative knows two things: never come between a woman and her lipstick, and always keep your client’s secrets. Unfortunately Keira Diaz didn’t get that memo.
When her client’s playboy husband, Roger, goes missing, Keira finds herself quickly wrapped up in the mystery. Keeping track of her Southern socialite clientele wasn’t in this girl’s job description, but their clues are the key to solving this case.
And their secrets? Boy do they tell. If it weren’t for them, Keira would have never learned of Roger’s infidelity while his wife battled breast cancer, or set up her best friend with Savannah’s most corrupt businessman.
As the evidence builds, Keira vows to find Roger. What she wasn’t planning on was finding him dead—or befriending the murderer.
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7 comments:
I like it! You just need the info. on the word count, and about you, and whatever you want to persoanlize to each agent. I think you're good!
Hey, Steph,
I think the first and final paragraphs are spot on. The middle paragraphs make me wonder why Keira is getting involved (i.e., I'd like to see her motivation or at least what forces her hand... isn't this the responsibility of the police dept... you touched on this in your previous query, I believe).
I'm also a little confused. Is Roger her client, as well (the line about 'Keeping track of her Southern...' makes me think so b/c I assume the wife is at home)?
Overall, I think the query's strong enough that if you've got strong pages to go along w/ it, agents would ask for more.
If you're querying w/o pages, and, in general, I'd like to see more of the motivation that propels her forward (she's 'quickly wrapped up in the mystery' -- this is where specifics would probably help, IMO).
Hope this helps some.
Hey Bane - yeah I touched in her motivation in the last draft. I'll look at adding that info back in. And no, Roger's not her client, but tracking her clients gives her the clues.
Thx for your feedback.
Thanks Jen! Yeah I didn't include all the business stuff with this post, but I've got all that ready to go.
oh, so great. I really enjoyed it. I agree with Bane though, I wasn't really sure what Keira's motivation to get involved was. Either way I think it is a strong query that will grab some attention.
I've added the motivation factor back into the query and I'm sending it off. Thanks guys!
I know I'm kind of late on this one... but I just wanted to echo Bane's comments (which I think you've already addressed), and not that it matters now, but the line "set up her best friend with Savannah’s most corrupt businessman" confuses me... who set up her best friend? Keira? If so, why would she do that to a friend? I'm so confused!!! But it could just be me. ;-)
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